In general, the vast majority of people who visit my blog are women struggling to save their marriage, facing divorce, or fearing their husbands will leave. I’m often asked something like “I’m afraid my husband will leave me. What are some signs that he plans to leave and how can I make him stay or change his mind?” The answer to these questions depends on the couple, at least a little. Each person has a different breaking point. But, there are some universal signs that your marriage is in real trouble or that her husband has moved on.

I would advise you to trust your intuition and take action if you suspect something is wrong in your marriage. Every marriage can benefit from improvement and it is far better to be proactive and prevent real problems than simply wait for something negative and lasting to happen. From my experience, simply taking a “wait and see approach” is the wrong decision. Because once things have deteriorated to the point where her husband walks out the door, her job will be much more difficult, but not impossible.

There is a distance, both literally and figuratively: Probably the first sign that your husband might be planning to leave is that he distances himself from you. You may find that his conversations are short and dry. He will give yes and no answers instead of engaging in a real and meaningful conversation. Or, he may find that he’s just talking about kids, jobs, or the logistics of daily life and running a home. And in general, there is also a literal distance. There are less spontaneous and affectionate gestures, such as holding hands, brushing the arm or rubbing the back. These things are often blamed on both of you being stressed and busy, but they can be real warning signs that your husband has withdrawn.

Lack of privacy and not only in the bedroom:Another common warning sign is that not much is happening in the bedroom. You are both too tired, too busy, or the time never seems right. The looks and gestures of intimate acquaintance, the feeling that both “understand” each other and are in sync are gone or fading. Whereas you used to feel like you could say anything to your husband and he would listen intently, today you are more likely to hear awkward pauses or silences.

From time to time, this can go the other way. Sometimes she will notice an increase in sex, almost desperately, as the husband is trying to make one last push to see if the “spark” is still there or if she can be rekindled. Or, she’ll chat over and over again about nothing in an attempt to fill the deafening silence.

You just feel that something is “not right” with him: Very commonly, women write to me and say that they just know something is brewing with their husbands. Even though he denies it and assures the wife that he’s just stressed and nothing is really wrong, the little voice in the back of your head is yelling at you that something is, in fact, seriously wrong here. Often, you can’t identify it, but you know for sure.

What to do if you see any of these signs or think you are going to leave:If you see any of these signs and get the strange feeling that your husband is planning to leave, it’s important to put it on the table. The worst thing you can do is ignore him and hope that he will disappear or miraculously pass by.

Find a time when both of you can be present without rushing. Tell her husband that you notice an unsettling distance and that she is afraid that she has walked out on the marriage and is thinking of leaving it. Often men flatly deny it, even if it is true. She does not argue or disagree. She listens calmly and lets him say what he wants. Then, when he’s done, he repeats that you still feel like you weren’t as close as before and it hurts because this marriage and this man are the most important things in your life.

Emphasize that you both deserve to be happy, and tell him that making it happen is your number one priority. Ask him, if you could wave a magic wand and immediately get what would make him happy, what would it be? (I know this sounds silly, but men have trouble articulating what they really want. If you just say “what would it take to make you happy again?” they will often deny or ignore you because they don’t think you’re really going to be able to deliver.)

If he can’t or won’t give you an answer, you should know this. In essence, men are not so different from us. In the end, they want to be valued, desired, understood and appreciated. They want to be at the top of your to-do list and first in your heart. Many times, when they have left or are planning to leave, it is because they truly believe that it is too late or that it is no longer possible for them to meet these needs again. Your job is to show them and not tell them that it’s not just possible, it’s going to happen so that there is no longer any reason why they want or need to leave.