Sometimes I hear from spouses who are so upset that their cheating spouse not only shows no remorse and guilt, but is downright hateful and petty. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering what they have done to deserve this kind of treatment, especially since they were not the one who cheated.

I heard from a wife who said, “My husband cheated on me with a coworker. He only admitted it because I caught him. When I confronted him, he acted as if I had done something wrong. He acted as if I was the most deplorable person.” imaginable for spying on him, even though all the cheating signs were there. She did not let me. I think he is afraid that if he leaves, I will not give him access to the children and it will cost him a lot of money. But he is very rude and mean to me. You’d think a man who cheated would fall in love with himself from being sweet to inspire some forgiveness. But in reality it is the opposite. It is distant. He makes nasty comments about me like a snooper in a low voice. He implies that he cheated on me because my own behavior led him to do so. Sometimes, I want to answer that if I am such a horrible person, what is he doing? still married to me. But then I’m scared that I don’t want to know the answer to that question. I don’t understand why he’s acting so nasty. I have done nothing wrong. I think I am a good wife. Yes, I spied it. But he deserved it. Why is he acting this way? What can I do about it? “

There can be many reasons why unfaithful spouses will act less than kind to their spouse after being caught cheating. Most of the reasons are the result of some kind of defense mechanism or an attempt to justify deception. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

If your spouse admitted (even to themselves) that you are not at fault in any way, they would feel much more guilty: Very few unfaithful spouses want to admit their innocence (even to themselves). But very few people can cheat and not feel almost overwhelmed with guilt. Even when you know that your spouse is not perfect or there is no doubt that your marriage is seriously flawed, deep down in your heart you know that cheating is wrong. Cheating people often hear little voices in the back of their heads that make them feel so ashamed because the voice asks them how they could do this to someone who loves and trusts them.

One way to silence that voice is to try to make your spouse the bad guy. Because if you admit that your spouse is a decent, loyal, and loving person, then you must be an idiot to betray him in this way. So sometimes when he’s mean to you, this is his way of distancing himself. He wants to paint you as less than perfect. He wants to be mad at you. Because this makes it much easier for you to keep cheating.

He could be attacking because he wants to keep you at a distance as a defense mechanism: As difficult as it is to hear that little voice in your head when you are cheating, it is also terrible to have to look your spouse in the eye and face him once the ugly truth has come to light.

Often they don’t know what to do or say. And seeing you in so much pain and with so much disappointment written on your face is almost impossible to bear. The look in your eyes reminds them of what they’ve done again. So to avoid pain, they want you to keep your distance. One way to make sure you keep your distance is for them to be mean to you. They hope that, as a result, you won’t ask for all the details or make demands.

How to handle it when your spouse is distant or mean after being unfaithful: Even if you have begun to understand why your spouse might be acting the way you are, none of this makes your behavior correct. And sometimes if you don’t call them for this behavior, they might try to continue it. I think it’s better to comment on it rather than keep allowing it to happen.

So the next time he makes one of those sarcastic comments, you might consider stopping him and saying something like, “You think I don’t hear that? Your comments are hurtful and I can’t pretend otherwise. You act like I’ve done something wrong or that I’ve done something to hurt you when you know that’s not the case either. I can’t keep allowing you to treat me this way. You say you’re going to stay and you want to save our marriage. But we can’t do that if you continue to treat me this way. If I’ve done something to make you angry or to inspire your comments, then let’s talk right now. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear it. Nothing I’ve done justifies you cheating on me. That’s the problem we need to solve. So when you’re ready to talk about it, I will be willing to listen. Until then, I will not hear you belittle or criticize me when I have done nothing wrong. “

Sometimes this will be enough and he will realize that you are not going to let him get away with it. It is important that you do not pretend that you don’t care or allow him to continue. Because if you don’t counteract it, then you have no reason to stop. And you really can’t rebuild a healthy marriage if he can’t respect you enough to stop the onslaughts.