Many people who are dealing with a cheating spouse insist on total fidelity starting today. This is completely understandable. After all, cheating is hard enough once, but most people are clear on the fact that they will never be willing to deal with it again. Therefore, most people will try to make their spouse promise that they will remain faithful no matter what. Some cheating spouses will give this guarantee without delay. Others are unsure if this is a promise they can sincerely make.

You may hear a wife say, “I admit my husband could do better than me. He just found out that I cheated on him with a man at my job. He’s devastated, but he doesn’t know the half of it. Honestly, this It’s not the first time I’ve cheated on him. I’ve done it a handful of times before this. And I’m not sure why I do it. I grew up in a house where I was the youngest and I was always on the road. Of course it was an accident and my parents didn’t love me. Because there were so many children, it was difficult to get our parents’ attention. So today, whenever someone gives any attention, I will do almost anything to support it. I know that This is pathetic and that I should stop. But I have tried to stop myself and I don’t know how. I will promise never to cheat again and then a few months later, my paths will cross with someone who notices me and before I notice, i’m doing the same thing over and over again. i don’t wanna lose my spouse or. He is the only man I know who has treated me with total respect. It’s the only good and decent thing in my life. For a while I thought he was going to divorce me. Now, he says that he will consider staying, but only if I promise him that I will remain faithful. Here’s the thing. I really want to make this promise. I can almost imagine the words leaving my lips. I want to be sure that he will not leave me. But, due to my past behaviors, I know that claiming that I will remain faithful is probably a lie. So I am faced with the choice of lying or telling my spouse something that I know is potentially false. I would do anything to keep him. Should I lie? “

I don’t think you should lie. Dealing with infidelity is already a severe blow to your marriage. It is going to be a struggle to regain confidence. If you lie to your spouse, it will only make things worse.

I think the best option would be to tell your spouse that what you can promise is that you will get the help you need to eliminate behaviors that may prohibit the promise. Because if you tell him you won’t cheat and he catches you cheating again, I’m not sure there is anything you can do or say to mitigate the damage at that point.

So instead, I would consider something like, “honey, I’m willing to do almost anything to save our marriage. And I think to do that, I’m going to need a little counseling. I noticed in myself a tendency to crave the attention of women. I think this goes back to my childhood when no matter what I did, I couldn’t get my parents’ attention or approval. I think this makes me vulnerable and eager to please today. So I would like to work with a counselor to help me get through this. I firmly believe that once I do, I will get through this and have no problem staying true. I don’t feel like telling a stranger about my problems. But I’m willing to do whatever I have to do to be a faithful spouse to you and give you the emotionally healthy wife you deserve. Will you support me in this? “

I know that you can understand your husband’s need to know that he will remain faithful. As someone who has been misled, I can tell you that this is extremely painful. And you feel like you need the assurance that you won’t have to deal with this again. But, also as someone who has been through this, I think I can honestly say that I would rather have my spouse explain what they are doing to heal than lie to me and then continue their same behaviors.

So I suspect her husband would rather you be completely honest and get the help they both need than to lie to him and cheat on him again.