When you wait for your husband to finish his affair and come home, it may initially feel like a victory when both happen. After all, this is what you’ve been waiting for. Many wives think that if they can get her husband to come to his senses, get him to end the affair, and go back to where she belongs, then everything else will eventually fall into place.

Unfortunately, this is not always the way it happens. Sometimes, it DOES put an end to the adventure. He DOES come home. But the reunion is not necessarily a happy one. He comes home and seems reluctant to fully participate in the family or marriage. He comes home and not only isn’t he excited, but he doesn’t seem to want to be there. Some husbands go so far as to begrudgingly unpack only a few things or not unpack at all.

A wife might explain, “It’s been about four months since I first found out about my husband’s affair. In fact, I was the one who kicked him out. But when I did, I didn’t expect him to leave and be with the other woman.” woman. I guess I should have. Because, frankly, he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. But I was shocked and upset when he did exactly that. In fact, knowing that he was living with her and that the affair was still going on I I was a little crazy. I was furious with my husband and wondered if I wanted to stay married to him. But I was insanely jealous. And I guess that’s when I realized I didn’t want to just give him up. So when he came up to me to see one day where our marriage could lead, I opened up to him. I told him that I couldn’t and would not make any promises to him, but that eventually I could come home and we could see where it would lead. We saw each other several times before we he finally came back home sa. Things seemed to be going well between you. s, so I had high hopes. But things were dramatically different from what he expected. My husband hasn’t even unpacked his clothes and he’s been here a week. It’s like he doesn’t have enough confidence to know that he’s going to stay. And even though we’ve talked and had some awkward conversations, he hasn’t even tried to touch me. This doesn’t make me feel very wanted. Sometimes I wonder if it was the other woman’s decision, and not his, to end things and I’m left with a disappointed, unhappy man with no other options. And I start to feel like our marriage is over, if he doesn’t even unpack or touch me. Why else would he be doing this?”

I’ll give you some suggestions as to why you might be seeing this behavior which, believe it or not, is not that uncommon.

You don’t feel very worthy to be at home: This is a very common reason why returning spouses are dragging their feet and not fully participating in home or family life. You don’t feel worthy. And he may be afraid that you don’t really want him there. So tiptoe and walk on eggshells. This will usually improve over time as you both become more comfortable with the idea that no one is leaving and that you are both committed to making it work.

Worried that it won’t work: This is similar to the reason above, but it’s a bit different. Because you can actually believe that you both want it to work. But he has doubts that he can. He may be fully aware that her betrayal was enormous and the pain was deep. So while you may really want all of this to go away, you may know that this is simply not realistic. And the pessimistic voice in her head says something like, “You don’t even deserve to unpack. You’re lucky he’s letting you live again, but it won’t last. He’ll throw you out as soon as possible.” while she comes to her senses. Save yourself some time and hassle and don’t even get comfortable.”

He may be waiting for you to try to accommodate him so that he feels more comfortable: The last thing I’m going to mention is that a guilty husband often hangs back hoping that you’ll notice his behavior and try to be accommodating or loving to him in order to attract him. He may expect you to go out of your way to reassure him that you really want him back home, that you’re glad he’s home, etc. This is really just human nature. Everyone wants peace of mind. Everyone wants to feel like they’re not the only one who cares. And there’s nothing wrong with offering him reassurance if you’re comfortable with it. But sometimes you have to be careful not to let him turn the tables so that you are in the position that he should be in.

Honestly, this can all be very temporary. It is understandable that both parties have some concern. Everyone can be afraid of rejection or failure. It is normal. Counseling can help, as can being honest and expressing your feelings and concerns. You could try: “I understand why you’re not sure whether to unpack or show me physical affection. I understand that you’re afraid of rejection in this situation. But I wouldn’t have asked you to come home if I hadn’t.” want you to be here. I can’t make any promises to you, but I’m certainly open.”

This might be enough to allow you to let your guard down a bit, but most people will want to watch and wait to let their guard down completely and open their hearts. It is not necessarily a lack of confidence. It’s more a matter of self-preservation.