Does any conversation with your partner seem to turn into a screaming fight?

Do you feel like your partner can’t (or won’t) hear what you have to say?

Does your partner often seem to yell at you more than talk to you?

Yelling, yelling, and arguing happen. We all lose our cool from time to time and say things more harshly than we intended. Some of us try to keep our intense emotions in check, but then we have a big meltdown and let it all out.

You may have mostly been the recipient of your partner’s anger and yelling. Or it could be that you tend to turn up his intensity level and you both end up screaming.

While it’s certainly not healthy to contain your emotions or try to hide how you really feel, it’s also not healthy or effective to communicate with your partner by yelling and yelling.

As you probably already know, when you are being yelled at, it is almost impossible to actually hear the meaning of the words being yelled at. When you’re yelling, it’s also nearly impossible to communicate and be heard.

If your partner has a habit of yelling at you and you want them to stop so you can really communicate and connect, try these 5 tips…

#1: Acknowledge your role.

It’s rarely easy to acknowledge that you also play a role in the conflict going on in your love relationship or marriage, but chances are you do. Have the courage to recognize the role you play.

It could be your tendency to get defensive, to shut down and shut up, to criticize, blame or judge. When you feel calm and clear-headed, think back to the last time you and your partner argued or he or she yelled at you. If you were an observer observing this situation, what would you notice about how you normally act and react?

Make sure you take responsibility for yourself and not for the entire dynamic. Acknowledging your role does NOT mean that you blame yourself for your partner’s yelling, words, or actions.

#2: Break the usual pattern and try something different.

Once you have a better idea of ​​what you usually do when your partner yells (or even before he or she yells), you can begin to notice earlier when you do the things that fuel the conflict situation.

When you notice your own voice starting to rise or you feel yourself shutting down and becoming quiet, or whatever it is you’re doing, then you can stop midway through. It may stop before the tension builds and the yelling begins (or continues).

While doing this, you can also try out some new responses to your partner’s yelling or hostility.

#3: Remember to breathe.

As mundane as it sounds, remembering to breathe in the middle of a tense moment or argument can make a world of difference.

What often happens when a person feels threatened or tense is that they take shallower, faster breaths or even hold their breath. As a result, the entire physiological system becomes tighter, adrenaline rises, and there is a greater chance that the person will react rather than respond to whatever is happening.

The reaction is usually fight, flight or freeze. These are life-saving reactions in certain situations, but they never lead to connecting communication.

Remind yourself to breathe and slow and deepen your breath at all times, especially when you and your partner are in conflict or yelling.

#4: Expect to be respected and listened to.

Expectations are powerful. We wait for the sun to rise and then set each day. We expect our cars to transport us from one place to another.

And, over time, we develop expectations about ourselves and our partner.

You may have an expectation that your partner will yell and yell at you when you make a mistake or let them down in any way. You may expect your partner to ignore or not understand what you are trying to say.

Expectations are neither good nor bad, but they have a strong influence on how we react to situations that come our way.

If you’re about to talk to your partner about a difficult topic and he or she has a history of yelling at you, you’re likely to go into this conversation expecting a yell at you or a fight to break out.

There may be a long history to support your expectations, or perhaps some prominent memories have led you to believe that your partner will yell at you or not understand you.

Be wise and aware, but also make sure that you are responding to what is happening in the present moment instead of reacting from the past and your expectations.

#5: Create agreements and set limits.

When the two of you are calm, ask him to come up with some agreements with you about how you will communicate with each other.

The key to creating agreements that will actually bring improvements is to make sure that you both feel free to be honest and realistic when you make them. An ultimatum is NOT an agreement. Once you’ve found the words for an agreement you both agree on, make sure you both understand it the same way.

There are times when setting a limit is also required. If your partner refuses to make (or stick to) agreements with you, it might be time for you to clarify what you will and won’t allow.

This requires that you affirm to yourself the kind of respect and interaction you want in your relationship and then stand behind it.