Christmas, and the seemingly endless commercial prelude to Christmas, is one of the most absurd institutions, indeed the most absurd, that society has inflicted on the vast majority of the civilized world. When you consider all the kinds of stressful hurdles you have to go through in the months, but especially the weeks leading up to the Big Day, it becomes necessary if you are weak enough to concede to what society (primarily, but not exclusively, retail merchants) requires, it is a miracle that the civilized world is not collectively a society of babbling idiots the next day. Still, most happily and willingly jump through the same stressful hoops the following year, paying through the nose for the privilege.

1) RELIGIOUS ABSURDIES

A) Christmas has to do with Christ. The odds that JC was born on December 25 are roughly 365.25 to 1. That’s because no one has the slightest idea what the actual date was. You won’t find it in the Bible, that’s for sure. The concept of a relationship between Christmas and JC was a hijacking by the Christian Church of the ancient ‘pagan’ tradition of celebrating the winter solstice. Rather than fight the City Council, the church simply adopted that already established tradition for its own purposes. Any similarity to the really real reality is purely a matter of coincidence. That you swallow hook, line, and sinker without any questioning, critical thinking, or real study that there is an actual relationship between the virgin birth (yes, that’s believable and not an original idea either) of a supposed deity (whose historical good faith can be questioned) that has not been seen in more than 2000 years, is absurd.

B) For malls and stores like supermarkets and department stores to play not only Christmas music, but also religious-themed (ie Christian) Christmas music is absurd. Nativity scenes are also often featured. That means that these commercial companies are in fact promoting a specific brand of religion exclusively over all others. While that might be appropriate for a church, it’s not the right place in any multicultural society for for-profit commercial stores to endorse any kind of religion. That they do so is another absurdity.

2) ABSURD FOOD

A) On average, half of the food you buy for the holidays will go to waste. Now is that absurd or is that absurd.

B) How many of you ate ham or turkey for Christmas dinner? Why? Probably because your society and culture pretty much requires you to eat traditional food, which means one of these two options, plus the obligatory eggnog, plum pudding, and mince pies, etc. So what’s wrong with pizza, meatloaf, sirloin steak, Irish stew, mac and cheese, etc.? Why are you such a slave to someone else’s traditions? That’s absurd. I have established my own tradition: even the years is pizza for Christmas breakfast; spaghetti for Christmas dinner. In odd years I invest both.

3) ABSURD DECORATION

Think of the enormous amounts of time and energy that goes into putting up, up and up and eventually down, down and down all those ornate Christmas decorations. What is the point? And some people go so far over the line that you’d think they were trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records. Maybe they are! And haven’t we heard or read all those stories about those Christmas tree lights that were so overloaded they shorted out, setting the tree on fire and burning down the house?

4) BRATS (Sorry, the Little Darlings) ABSURDITIES

It’s absurd to be ethically obligated to lie to your children (and anyone else’s children) about the reality of Santa.

5) HOLY ABSURDITIES

Santa’s economic purpose is to instill in the brats (sorry, your little darlings) the concept of greed and a free lunch. The mantra of the brats: I want, I want, I want; give me give me give me; now now now Why do you think malls and department stores employ a Santa Claus? Hint: he has nothing to do with jingle bells, but with the jingle of coins transferred from his pockets to his cash registers, lots and lots of jingling coins (plus the rustle of paper money too). Of course, as an added insult, you have to pay to get a picture of your brat(s), sorry little darling(s), sitting on Santa’s knee.

6) ABSURDITIES OF CHRISTMAS MUSIC

What you hear in the privacy of your own home is your business, but in the many, many, many weeks leading up to Christmas Day, you (and especially if you’re a staff member at any supermarket or department store, etc.) are bombarded. endlessly to the Christmas music from the malls, not to mention the tuneless brats (sorry, those darling little kids) on the street corners who also see fit to serenade you with even more Christmas music. You can only take so many renditions of Jingle Bells, Deck the Halls, White Christmas, and The Little Drummer Boy (to mention just four songs out of a seemingly endless number of Christmas repertoire of pap and musical nonsense).

7) FINANCIAL ABSURDIES

You spend enormous amounts of money and energy preparing for an annual event that you probably wish society would completely forget about.

8) TIME AND ENERGY ABSURD

You spend more time preparing for an annual event than it does for that event itself.

9) FAMILY, FRIENDS AND OTHER ABSURD RELATIONSHIPS

You spend ‘quality’ time with family members you wish were on the other side of the world and therefore unable to invade your personal space, time and wallet.

You spend a lot of money that you’d rather not spend on gifts for people you don’t give a damn about.

You send Christmas cards to a lot of people you don’t care about; you get Christmas cards from people you don’t care about.

You receive many gifts that are unwanted, useless, and worth only for the $$$ you could get for them on eBay (and other related items).

10) ABSURDITIES OF INSINCERITY

99.9% of the people, mostly strangers and salespeople, wishing you a “Merry Christmas” are just going through the motions and personally don’t give a damn if you drop dead on Christmas Day. That goes triple for the millions of “Merry Christmas” messages in the ads you see before Christmas.

11) HEALTH ABSURD

Would your blood pressure, stress levels, and overall mental health be in a better, overall healthier condition if you could put your feet up, ignore Christmas, and just watch the parade go by? Would your health be better if you hadn’t given in to the Christmas spirit as well as the spirits?

12) ABSURD BENEFICIARIES

Who benefits from Christmas? Clearly, there are stories of various acts of kindness and sacrifice that come to light every Christmas. Now follow the money trail. Okay, on the plus side, charities obviously get extra donations at Christmas. So much for the bright side! Well, the post office and Christmas card makers benefit, especially since every year is a new year where everyone has to buy and post anew (unlike Christmas decorations that get reused year after year). Speaking of decorations, unless you use an artificial Christmas tree, real natural Christmas tree growers and sellers look forward to the holiday season. Above all, the beneficiaries include all manufacturers and retailers of all those who will receive Christmas gifts. Face it, Christmas is all about the economy and keeping people employed. Without Christmas (and to a lesser extent other over-hyped holidays like Mother’s and Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, etc.) there would be an economic collapse that would make 1929 pale in comparison. In fact, appearance wise, a good percentage of the news in the run up to Christmas is about how much people spend; how well (or poorly) are retailers doing. They certainly outnumber stories that focus on the religious or the warmer and more confusing aspects of Christmas.

CONCLUSION

Absurdity is the foundation of comedy, so, so to speak, I enjoy sitting back and relaxing and enjoying the human comedy that unfolds in front of me each Christmas season as all the good little sheep enact the standard Christmas routines (including the payment of invoices in January). It’s a comedy to see all those members of society who take Christmas seriously and who jump as high as they can when society snaps its fingers when Christmas approaches for yet another reason of absurd madness.