It never feels quite right when your spouse wants to leave you or seek a marital separation. There is always the feeling that you could have been more patient, more open-minded, or more willing to compromise. And it feels particularly unfair when he won’t let you speak to explain yourself, especially if it’s your actions that caused this in the first place.

A wife might explain, “My husband is furious with me because I told him I was going out of town to see my sister when in fact I was staying with an old girlfriend that my husband does not approve of. I was this person’s best friend in a time in my life I’m not proud of. I was drinking alcohol and doing risky things when we were friends, but my life has changed. My husband feels this friend is a terrible influence on me and him. He doesn’t like the person he used to be. I think it was an understood agreement between us (although we never talked much about it) that I was not supposed to have contact with this friend anymore. And I have honored it. Except when my friend called to tell me that her mother died and that she was having a hard time staying sober afterwards. I felt strongly that I needed to spend time with her to help her and help her overcome that urge. I tell my husband because I knew he would not approve of it. I guess that’s right to say that I lied, but felt that I had a legitimate reason to do so. Well, my husband called my sister and they arrested me. Now think that I went to visit my friend because we are both using again. And every time I try to assure him that this is not true or try to explain, he cuts me off and angrily tells me that he doesn’t want to hear it and that he doesn’t like being lied to. He won’t listen to me. He won’t let me explain myself. I feel absolutely sick losing my marriage to something like this. How can I make him listen to me? “

Seeing things from your husband’s point of view can help you come up with a plan that will help you overcome these obstacles. Right now, you are probably wondering what else you have lied about. (Of course, you know that he has not lied to you and that he would not continue to lie to you.) But right now, he’s caught up in his excitement and his fear, at least at this particular moment. You are also probably thinking ahead and worrying about what you will do if you find yourself in the position of having a spouse who is abusing substances. You know it won’t come to this, but he won’t.

I would say that currently your obstacles are twofold. You want to find a way to get him to listen to you and ultimately believe you. And you want to find a way to convince him that he has nothing to worry about because not only have he not used drugs or alcohol, but he will not lie to you about it again. (This also leaves the question of whether you are willing to give up on your friend or if you want to try to negotiate some kind of contact with her so you don’t have to try to hide it.) specialist and I am not at all qualified to tell you whether keeping in touch with your friend is a good idea or not. I hope you are talking to a professional about this and I suggest that you maybe bring your husband to a session to talk openly about it. Perhaps if the information is coming from someone else instead of you, perhaps you will listen a little more. But counseling is always a wonderful option, especially in situations like this.

Alternatively, is there a mutual friend or family member who can speak to him on his behalf? Since you’re not listening to it right now, perhaps allowing someone else you already know and trust to deliver the message could work. Or you can try writing her a letter and telling her to read it when you’re ready.

Once he calms down, he may start to wonder if he has seen any behavior from you that indicates that you are using or keeping additional secrets. Hopefully, you will respond honestly and realize that there have been no red flags. But you have to be clear about the fact that you can’t lie to him about this again. Because it may give you the benefit of the doubt once, but if you do it again, it may not do it twice. You don’t want to jeopardize your marriage for something that really should be in the past. If you want to stay in your friend’s life, then this is something you will have to negotiate. But if you’ve told your spouse one thing and done another, then you need to see it from their point of view. You feel betrayed and are probably worried about what this betrayal really means. And he’s probably worried about you too.