It may surprise you to learn that one of the most common topics I get asked about is a spouse not making the other spouse feel special or understood. The older I get and the more I experience life and relationships, the more I realize that the need to feel like you matter is a very basic and essential need. Our current society reflects this. All you have to do is search social media to see people literally begging for attention. Unfortunately, in our current society, it seems like you have to do a lot to get noticed. In fact, most of the time, you have to be dysfunctional to get attention. At least that’s what we learn from celebrities.

So it’s no wonder our society at large is pretty hungry to feel like we’re seen and that we matter. And, if people want attention from someone, they want it from their spouse. Some feel that their spouse just doesn’t make them feel special or important enough. And others will tell you that their spouse doesn’t make them feel anything at all, because their spouse completely ignores them so they feel virtually invisible.

Someone might say, “I’ll admit that my husband and I have always been low-key people. We’re both introverts, so we’ve never been ones to care too much about each other. But we’ve always been partners who have had good conversations.” . and nice, quiet times together. But, over the last year or so, things have changed. My husband isolates himself and practically ignores me. We hardly talk anymore. Yes, we sit next to each other and watch a movie from time to time. Sometimes he mentions things that he has seen in the newspaper. So we can share a little chat from time to time. But for the most part, he makes me feel pretty ignored. I can’t think of anything he could have. made to offend him. Occasionally I try to strike up a conversation, but he won’t follow me. I love my husband and would never want to date or go out socially again. I would never be compatible with someone else, as introverted as “I am. But I feel so alone in my own house. What is wrong with me that my own husband makes me feel invisible?”

There is nothing wrong with you. Believe it or not, what you are experiencing is a very common problem. Many people indicate that they feel alone in their own marriage and sometimes even with their own children. As I mentioned before, our society no longer prioritizes face-to-face or quality time together. We sat next to each other, dedicated to electronics. We text instead of calling. In a way, we are losing our ability to relate to our fellow human beings. And, if we are going to have any chance of maintaining our personal relationships, then we have to fight for them.

I know what you might be thinking: “But how do I fight alone when my spouse won’t commit to me?” First, you ask him bluntly if you’ve done anything to make him get away from you. If you still respond negatively, you can try, “Well, I’ve been watching you very closely over the past week and we’ve interacted about ______ times (fill in the blank). I try to talk to you and you don’t.” I don’t really answer. It makes me feel ignored and I wonder what I did to deserve this. Because it’s not healthy for our marriage. I’m not asking you to become a talkative talker, but I don’t want to feel ignored. in my marriage. Can we do better? I miss our conversations. I want to feel included again. Do you at least see where I’m coming from?”

Let’s see if he responds to this. Sometimes people don’t really realize that they’re shutting you out. They tend to get caught up in their own lives or inside their own heads. This is especially true for introverts. Since they don’t need or crave constant conversation like everyone else, they sometimes assume that if they’re happy, then their spouse must be, too. They have to be aware that it just doesn’t work that way.

Aside from these things, I’d suggest trying to get some social engagement elsewhere, at least for a while. Do not take it bad. I would never advise anyone to meet their only emotional needs outside of marriage. But to be as healthy and satisfied as we can be, we need to have a wide variety of friends and other people we value. It is unrealistic to expect our spouse to meet all the needs we have. Sometimes we need to have other outlets because our spouse just isn’t going to be there for us all the time. Everyone needs close friends. Even introverts.

Sometimes this will take the pressure off your spouse, and you may find that they really start reaching out to you when they see that you’re not expecting them. I’m not saying you want to play games or get away from your own spouse. But I’m saying that once you’re honest with him and make a good faith effort, then if you still feel lonely, you might want to spend some time with friends until this passes.

Since you have been clear about the fact that you don’t want to leave the marriage and you feel that you are compatible with your husband, then it makes sense to work with what you have. Sometimes you need to have an honest conversation and ask for what you need. Most of the time, your spouse will try to make the effort. Otherwise, she can sometimes direct his attention elsewhere to see what kind of response he can get. This will give you more information about what is going on with him.