I often hear from people who feel that their spouse is not being themselves at all during a marital separation. And while it’s understandable for a person to be a bit turned off while going through a difficult or painful separation, it can sometimes be obvious that a spouse’s behavior goes deeper than that. Many people feel that their spouse has started playing mind games during the separation and are not quite sure how to handle this.

An example is a wife who says, “Honestly, I thought the separation might be good for us. Our marriage has been struggling for a long time. And while my husband and I often agree to go to therapy and work together to better our marriage, nothing really happens. We both just wait for the other person to make the change or make a move. Then nothing gets better and things just deteriorate. So bringing up the separation is something that happened quite naturally.” that we could be cordial about it. And the idea was that being apart would make us see how much we wanted to be together. But that’s not what happened. My husband is very sarcastic with me and sometimes he is downright mean. When I ask to see him, he always says that he is busy. Sometimes he doesn’t even answer my calls. The other day, he said that he couldn’t see me because he had other plans. I asked him what those plans were, he told me that he was not going to tell me that information. So, I asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone else. And he still didn’t answer. It was almost like he wanted me to think he was seeing someone else. This infuriates me. I wouldn’t play games like this with him. Why is he doing this?” I’ll tell you some possible theories in the next article.

It’s a little hard for me to be objective here because many would argue that I took certain liberties during my separation when my husband was distant and avoided me. In my defense, I never let him believe that he was seeing other people. And I was never rude or even distant with him. In fact, it was always clear to me that my hope was that we would get back together, but I made it clear that I was not going to put my life on hold anymore.

Playing mind games is a common attempt to gain peace of mind when apart: I think this is very common when one of the spouses feels rejected. This scenario is especially common when one spouse wanted to separate while the other did not. Often it is an attempt to see if he can get a response from his spouse, if only to show him that he still cares. And you can call it mind games if he wants, but often it’s a cry for attention or a plea for reassurance. They think that if you get angry, jealous, or demand information, then this is proof that you are still involved in your marriage.

How to handle this scenario: Even if you know what is driving your spouse to act this way, this practice can still be upsetting. It can still be painful. And it can even hurt your chances of reconciliation if you take it too far. So what is the best way to handle this if you suspect your spouse is playing mind games? Well, you don’t want to go out and accuse them of this. They are likely just getting defensive and it is doubtful that they are doing so in an intentional or sinister way.

You may want to have a conversation about this, but you don’t want to be accusatory. In this situation, the wife might say something like, “I have to say that things are not going my way. I wanted the separation to bring us closer together, but I can’t help but feel the distance between us. I realize that you are busy, but do you think we could schedule some time together? I think it’s really important that we make time to talk to each other. I still hope this all works out. I hope you are too.”

The last thing you probably want to do is try to play hardball or think “two can play this game” and then try to play your own version of mind games. Usually this will only make things worse and then with both people drifting away, you have a marriage that becomes more and more damaged and more and more uncomfortable. Sometimes a person has to step up and be the bigger person. A person has to come forward and tell what is still the truth.

It helps to keep in mind that your spouse is probably doing this to bring you closer to him or to get reassurance that you still care. So sometimes just being the bigger person and offering that reassurance will be all it takes to get them to back down from this stance.