Rock ‘n Roll buses can be traveling frat houses. There is little privacy and they often smell like a combination of urine and diesel fumes. Remember that they stop almost exclusively at truck stops and not at passenger rest areas (that goes by fast). The gist of bus travel is that it truly is your home away from home. Here’s how it works: the bus driver enjoys a good night’s sleep in his hotel room while you’re hard at work checking the sound, appearing on the local radio station, or playing the show. As the band plays the final chord of the concert, Mr. Bus Driver reappears from his dream and heads to the bus where he is waiting for you and the rest of the band. You get on and wait for the crew to pack everything up: gear, lights, PA, and monitors.

A couple of hours later, when this is over and everyone has boarded the bus, he drives through the night to the city of the next engagement. It is during this trip that you are supposed to sleep. (I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time getting a good night’s sleep on a bus. I keep dreaming that I’ll wake up to find the bus driver asleep in a bunk and no one behind the wheel!)

When we get to the next city, the bus parks near the venue. Makes sense, right? But here’s the juicy part: Let’s say the bus arrives in that city, after driving 350 miles, around 6 am What should I do? Most of the time, I will continue to sleep for a couple of hours. If I wake up at 10 am, what now? Breakfast? Shower? Phone calls? Family visit? Maybe. If the bus is not parked in the driving center of the city, none of this could be possible. In my experience, in fact, theaters and clubs are usually on the outskirts of the city and sometimes in the most original neighborhoods.

I can shower at the club, as long as they have one I’m comfortable with. I can have dinner at the McDonalds down the street a mile or so away, as long as I’m willing to walk briskly in heavy traffic. As a rule, the bus always stays at the concert. Phone calls can be made and my distant cousin is only a $20 cab ride away.

Okay, let’s just say I’ve successfully negotiated my morning routine. It’s only noon, and sound check doesn’t start until 5:00 pm Now what? As much as I try to be productive, this aspect of bus tours can be really limiting and get in the way of my style. The best solution is to have a hotel booked. This brings us to our next surprise.

DON’T SAY HOTEL…

Surprise #2 – Accommodation. DO NOT, I AGAIN, DO NOT assume that you will be in a hotel every night. In fact, most bus tours only offer hotels on free days. Management reasons that if we are going to arrive at the club’s parking lot by 6 am, it will be easier for us to stay there, on site. ALL DAY.

Management will also reason that hotel check-in time is not until 1pm, and that we would have to check out at 4pm to sound check at 5pm. If at this point you’re wondering why we have to leave the hotel, remember the overnight bus ride. In my experience, the band drops out before sound check or when leaving town.

Management loves this because they save huge sums of money (courtesy of their discomfort) on hotels for the duration of the tour. Let me make one thing clear here: if you’re touring with a band you’re a full member of, by all means save money any way you can. I am assuming here that you are a hired escort.

So at this point, you might remind our friendly travel manager that many hotels offer early check-in. And this is where I see his shoulders slump, as he pretends he’s learning about early check-in for the first time! I see him squirm. As long as it’s set up as such in advance, there should be a hotel room ready upon arrival.

The perfect day of the bus

My friends, this is how it should really work: the bus stops at the concert. The crew continues to sleep in a drunken stupor, until the equipment is loaded at 10 am. My bandmates and I got off the bus and got into a taxi that was called by the tour manager. The taxi takes us to a nearby hotel, where I check into my room.

Now I have the day to rest, write postcards, make phone calls, practice and whatever else I want. However, there is a problem. Don’t assume you’ll get your own room. Many tours encourage doubling rooms, obviously to save even more money. But why anyone would want to share a room with someone they already spend 18 hours a day with is beyond me.

You may be wondering why management is so concerned about saving money. After all, this is Rock ‘n Roll, isn’t it? Well, to their credit, the management has to take a tour like you would any other business. They have to look at the numbers to make sure the tour brings in more than it spends. After all, my salary is paid with the money that the tour generates. Management’s job is to run the tour efficiently and cut excess spending where it can.

That’s all good, but this is where I get excited… Sometimes the tour goes extremely well, like an oiled machine. It is also generating large sums of money. Wouldn’t you think that as profits increase, accommodations will improve and everyone will get paid more too?

Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen all the time. Often when a tour starts to make a lot of money, the artist and management may want to cut corners even further. To avoid what I call “diminishing returns,” as you help the artist make an even bigger profit while accepting something less than spectacular for yourself, consider negotiating what will turn out to be a better deal in the future, when and if the income allows. Otherwise, in relative terms, a salary can become lower than it was when it started.