When you are a kid and you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, your natural reaction is to make up some excuse, any excuse, in the hope that it will get you out of a tight spot. Children will say the most ridiculous things to avoid punishment, and apparently so will a husband who has just been caught cheating on his wife.

You would think that having definitive proof of your husband’s affair would make it impossible for them to say anything other than “I’m sorry,” but that’s not the case.

Here’s a collection of funny, and just plain weird, excuses that men have made after being confronted by their wives about an affair. And yes, they are all actual comments that have been made by at least one cheating spouse. Most have been used many times.

She is only a friend. This is probably the most common defense. Of course, this does not take into account that you generally do not call “friends” of the opposite sex at all hours of the night, do not use secret cell phones to communicate with them, and do not take them to hotel rooms during lunchtime. .

Everything is your fault. This removes all the blame from the unfaithful spouse and puts it directly at the feet of the betrayed. If you had just been this, or that, or a combination of this and that, I never would have had to fool you. Do you see what you made me do?

I felt sorry for her / She needed me. In the hope that you feel some kind of empathy for the other woman, a cheating husband will use this one while trying to appeal to your emotional and caring side. Perhaps the couple were going through a difficult time, they needed someone to talk to, and their husband, being the helpful and considerate type that he is, was there to boost their self-esteem. It never occurs to the cheater that his wife and children may have needed him more!

I don’t remember if I did anything. If they think you have proof, and surprisingly even if they know you have it, the old excuse of amnesia is easy to give. After all, if they don’t admit anything, then nothing happened, right? You cannot blame them for forgetting!

Those scratches on my back? I ran into a nail at work. Even if your spouse works in a high-rise office with marble columns and mahogany desks, you never know what kind of missing nail or rough edge might be lurking in the workplace, waiting to inflict bodily harm on them. So naturally those bite marks or scratches on the back, rear, or sides come from sloppy building maintenance.

I kept my wedding ring on while I had sex with her; that proves that I love you. This one has it all: narcissism, stupidity, and good old-fashioned twisted logic. Look, I love you so much darling, and you are so precious to me, that even while I was having sex with another woman you were too important to get me out of my mind. What other declaration of love could a wife wish for?

The reason I didn’t mention it to you, because you would have said “no.” Is this boy in kindergarten? He thought about asking your permission to have a sleepover with another woman, but you’re such a grumpy wife and you never let him do anything fun, so he thought it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

I’m so glad I got caught … I’ve been trying to finish it. This is the real life equivalent of those heist movies; you know, is the scam going to do just one last job and then finish? If those. This cheater presents you as a helpful savior, because he’s been trying to get out of this whole adultery thing for a while, but he didn’t know how to end it. Thank God you came and saved him from all this sordid deal.

There are many, many ways to make a betrayed wife think she is crazy. These are just a few examples, and they show how outrageous an unfaithful husband’s behavior can be … and how foolish matters really are.