Right now, one could be in a position where they believe their parents are to blame for what is happening. This could show that their life is a mess and that they may have mental and emotional problems.

Perhaps they have only had this perspective for a short time, or perhaps it has been with them for several years. Either way, they might experience a lot of anger, rage, and hatred towards them and have moments where they think about getting even for what they went through.

a different point of view

If there are people in your life, most, if not all, could tell you that you need to ‘let go’ and ‘forgive’ your parents. So blaming their parents will look like a complete waste of time.

As far as these people are concerned, what happened will be in the past and that will be all there is. Also, they could be told that their point of power is in the now and that they have no control over what happened.

Is no different

If one were to seek outside support, be it a therapist or a coach, for example, they might have a very similar experience. Here, one could essentially be told that he needs to move on with his life and put the past behind him.

They may even be told that they need to ‘stop being a victim’, something that is unlikely to be very pleasant to hear. Ergo, what happened will be seen as totally irrelevant and as something they can put aside.

two ends

So regardless of whether you relate to the people in your life or the person who is there to help them, it will be like there are only two options available. Either one blames their parents and gets stuck in the past, so they forgive them and move on.

Based on this black and white view, it will be perfectly clear that the second option is the best. What could also be added is that ‘his parents did the best they could’.

Two points

Firstly, the above shows that it is as if there are only two options, and secondly, that the past is in the past. Also, parents are always supposed to deserve respect, even idolization, and there are no such things as ‘bad’ parents.

What if there are more than two options available and their past isn’t really in the past and it’s not enough for them to just forgive? Ultimately, there’s more to this than is often mentioned, and that’s why it’s so important to look deeper.

The first

Without a doubt, if it was a question of blaming the parents and staying stuck or forgiving and moving on, the logical thing to do would be to do the latter. The truth is that one is not going to live forever, so there is no point in wasting precious time and energy on it.

However, what this vision does not take into account is that if you are very bad and have not developed much of the adult self, you are not going to be able to simply forgive your parents. In order for them to truly do this, they will need to move past the pain they are in and forgive themselves.

The second

The reason for this is that what happened will be over, but they will still carry the emotional pain and trauma they experienced all those years ago. If they don’t acknowledge how they feel and get over it, with outside support if they need it, this baggage won’t go away.

Now, forcing themselves to forgive their parents and not blame them anymore might allow them to look good and even prevent them from feeling guilty, but they will just live in denial. You will still carry all of your internal wounds, and these internal wounds will continue to impact your reality and your physical health.

just one stage

If you could take a step back in your experience, you might see that you have merged with what could be classified as your childish self; the part of them that is deeply hurt. Having merged with this part of them, it will not cross their minds to move forward or if what they are doing is serving them.

This wounded part of them will need their adult self to acknowledge what is happening and hold the space for this part to express what it was unable to express all those years ago. Until this adult self is in place, a therapist or healer will be needed to hold the space.

without resistance

With this in mind, if you can’t let go of the past or ‘forgive’ your parents, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to move on; it means that at least a part of them is not on the right track and is calling to be seen and heard. If one were just one person and not made up of many different parts, this would not be the case.

If willpower is used to move forward, these parts will be overridden and ignored, an experience one is very familiar with. Perhaps the main reason why they are now in a bay state is that they did not receive the loving presence they needed when they were growing up, and that is why it is so important that one receive it now, from oneself or from another if not currently. they can provide it.

Awareness

What this illustrates is that it’s not about forgiving your parents or not forgiving them, it’s about them acknowledging their own pain and getting over it. If they try to do the former before the latter, they may end up overlooking their own pain.

By working through your own inner wounds and forgiving yourself, you will naturally become more compassionate towards those who mistreated you. Forgiving them will then be a byproduct of the work they have done and are doing on themselves, not something they do to look good, please others, or to avoid feeling guilty and fearful.
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Lastly, what this also illustrates is that one cannot think or force their emotional pain; this, of course, would not be the case if your thoughts always created your feelings. The emotional body is very different from the mental body, so a very different approach is needed when it comes to dealing with a part of the self.