If you are going through a divorce or are already divorced and feel consumed with anger and frustration at being disrespected by your ex, I can relate to what you are feeling.
I have struggled with the immense pain of being consumed with anger, frustration, being worried about the effects on my young son, and feeling sick of my ex not respecting me.
It felt like she was walking on eggshells. No matter what I said or did, no matter how hard I tried, the ex just seemed to get angrier and more unreasonable.
It was clear that the divorce situation was having an extremely negative impact on our daughter. She was becoming whiny, which she had never done before. She was having trouble sleeping, which was also new.
The situation kept getting worse.
There had to be something she could do to change things, but she had no idea where to start.
However, I knew I had to do something different to try to create change, and I knew it had to start with me because I am the only person I can control or change.
The opportunity to change arose during a situation that was having an extremely negative impact on our young daughter.
Legal custody of our daughter was equal to 50/50. We had been able to work together for over two years to communicate and determine the schedule for when we would each have our daughter. After several variations, we settled on a biweekly schedule, with our daughter going to the other parent’s house on Wednesdays.
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the ex refused to talk (or listen) about the schedule and ordered that we stick to the schedule documented in our divorce decree.
I was shocked to realize that the divorce decree outlined a schedule every other day.
This would mean a lack of consistency and stability, as our little 3 year old went back and forth between our two houses every day.
This doesn’t even begin to explain the differences between the two households in parenting, guidelines, and much more.
I was afraid that this new schedule might result in extreme trauma for our little daughter.
My thoughts and feelings were confirmed when I shared the situation with a child psychologist, who was also called.
(If I had to go into the fact that any divorce attorney would suggest, let alone allow, this type of physical custody program to be included in a divorce decree, I’d be writing for days…).
He wasn’t just angry. She was stunned and furious that the ex ordered our 3-year-old daughter to have an alternate day schedule.
How self-centered! How oblivious to the negative effects a schedule every other day would have on our son!
I found myself caught in a vicious cycle of reacting with vehement anger towards the ex.
Needless to say, this only served to make matters worse. I realized that I had to do something different, since what I was doing was not working at all.
As I pondered what could help, I realized… my reaction to the ex was never going to get any better.
I knew I wanted to try to create a divorce environment that was balanced and supportive for our daughter. And this is where I started to change my perspective and focus.
Providing consistency and stability for our daughter was essential. This meant stopping the every other day schedule and trying to go back to a every other week time frame.
The ex refused even to listen. In fact, she got angrier.
I felt like I had no choice, so I took her back to court for the custody schedule.
There is irony in this decision since we never appeared before the judge. Sitting in the hallway outside the courtroom, our respective attorneys began to “negotiate.” There was a lot of back and forth, and a lot of accusations coming from the ex.
The ex said that the only way she would change the schedule would be if I gave her 50% of an education fund that she had personally created for our daughter.
I was dumbfounded! How do you dare! The audacity to steal what I had prepared for my daughter!
Couldn’t be more self-centered.
For me, our daughter’s well-being was the top priority, and her mother was doing it for money, money that was NOT hers!
Then it hits me. By getting angry, he was being self-centered and doing it for money.
I changed my focus to what I wanted to create for our daughter. And this included having a balanced schedule.
I took a few slow deep breaths and calmly told my attorney to say “Yes” to giving 50% of the amount of the educational fund that I had established for our daughter, to the ex.
As soon as my decision was shared with the ex and her attorney, we were able to come to an agreement and agree on a schedule every two weeks.
I made this decision for the sake of my precious daughter. Yes, I had to let go of my anger and re-channel the soulful energy stemming from my anger.
This helped me learn one of the most powerful lessons of my life.
When I feel really angry and allow myself to react to it, I know that it is never very likely that I will be able to create or obtain what I really want.
When I changed my focus to creating a divorce environment in which my daughter would thrive, I changed the energy that I had been giving off and we were able to come to an agreement.
Looking back, do I still think the ex was being self-centered and unreasonable to the extreme? Absolutely, yes I do.
However, I had determined my number one priority, my daughter. And then I was able to put my anger aside and change my intentional focus to create a more positive and beneficial environment for our daughter…and this was the result.
This is my challenge to you… Think about the last time you reacted with anger towards your ex.
What was it that really triggered you?
Did he get you what you really wanted? Of course not.
Now commit to being more aware, more prepared for your next interaction with your ex.
Think about what you really want to create and why.
For this, my why was my daughter. I wanted to strive to create a more positive environment for her.
When you find that anger begins to simmer in the depths of your soul, what is one thing you can say to yourself or do that will get on your nerves, that will help you shift your focus to what you really want to create?
Think about what you want to create for your children, focus your attention on it, and determine what you are going to say or do next to get closer to it.
As you keep track of this and nurture it, condition by being consistent, you will be able to maintain self-control, remain calm, and change the outcome for the good of your children.
Changing your perspective changes everything. It allows you to move out of anger and into a more intentional state of being.
