A few weeks ago, I took my 17-year-old daughter, Ariana, an accomplished viola player, to the East Coast to audition at top-tier music conservatories. Auditions are, of course, important: which college you go to affects your whole life. At the first audition, waiting for her turn, I asked Ariana if she was nervous. “No mommy, I’m so excited to play for them!” She was happy, like Cinderella going to the ball.
It felt like the end of a long road and the beginning of a new one. When Ariana and her brother Zak were little, I suddenly became a single mom. I thought I could never send them to college without scholarships. So I trained them in something that, as a symphonic violinist, I knew well: music. I started Zak on violin at 6 and Ariana at 5 (he switched to viola as a teenager). During those tough times, I sometimes sacrificed paying my utility bills to buy his instruments and pay for his lessons.
The first piece of Ariana’s first college audition was a dramatic sonata by Brahms. I practically put my ear to the door. It seemed to me that she was expressing all the life experiences that had brought her to this point; wonderful experiences like playdates and sleepovers with good friends, horseback riding, and playing in jazz and rock’n’roll bands. And there were also echoes of difficult experiences, like her parents’ divorce, a move across the country, and school troubles as a teenager.
When he left the room, I could see from his face that he had made it. The teacher, who acted as a judge, followed her to the door, congratulated me and said that she would love to teach him.
I’ve been thinking about that experience a lot, because a lot of people have asked me about the ‘tiger mother’ essay. You’ve probably read Law Professor Amy Chua’s article in the Wall Street Journal (January 8, 2011) titled ‘Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior’. Chua describes her approach to parenting, which she calls the “tiger” style, and compares it to the “Western” style. Her children were never allowed to sleep away from home or play together. They were required to be the best students in their classes and to play only the piano or violin for hours every day. Chua tells an anecdote about her 7-year-old daughter Lulu’s difficulty with a particular piano piece. Lulu gave up and left the piano. Her mother forced her back. “punches, punches and kicks” followed. Chua insulted and threatened her daughter and did not let her go to the bathroom. After many hours without dinner, Lulu finally played the piece correctly.
My Answer: Chua could have achieved the same results without any of the negativity.
I know this because now I am not only the father of three very musical children, but I also run a music school with hundreds of young clients. We prepare students from the start so they can become good enough to get into Juilliard or any top-tier music program. Yes that is the direction they choose. So, in our ambition for our children, I am a lot like Chua, who tried to get her daughter into Juilliard’s pre-college program.
But aside from admiring Juilliard, my experience helping kids grow and thrive in music to reach the highest levels couldn’t be more different than Chua’s.
ANGER IS EASY
Allowing himself to get mad at his kids during practice, Chua takes the easy way out. The violin is the most difficult instrument a child can play. Watching their children make mistakes, a parent’s anger can go from 0 to 100 in seconds. Sometimes I just want to jump into my daughter’s little body and do it for her! Add to that the financial sacrifice – it’s no wonder parents go nuts.
I tell parents that they are not alone in these feelings and offer tools to reduce frustration and help the child progress. My positive reward system includes lots of praise and gifts, from bouncy stickers and ‘silly band’ bracelets, to cute Japanese erasers and plastic busts of great composers. We also offer dozens of ideas to help make the practice fun, or at least tolerable.
SOLITARY CONTAINMENT VS. ‘PLAYING WITH FRIENDS
Chua puts a lot of emphasis on making his kids practice for many hours, not just one or two hours, but 3 hours a day or more of solo practice, just with mom. That would be 21 hours a week (plus any lessons they attend). I’m like Chua, in terms of my insistence that my kids practice every day and put in a lot of time every week. Some parents think I’m exaggerated. I added up the hours my 9-year-old daughter Jenna spends with her music and cello; It works out almost 20 hours a week. But that’s not solo practice. Jenna is in two of the orchestras at my music school; and she plays in three quartets, with girls her age. On top of that, she has four cello lessons a week, a piano lesson, and a music theory class. I try to get her to practice by herself for an extra hour a day. (All of this isn’t as expensive or time-consuming as it sounds because, of course, we own the music school, which is Jenna’s second home.)
A more typical student in my program might take 1-2 lessons a week; join one of our string quartets once a week and play with one or two of our orchestras weekly. You are also encouraged to practice between 45 and 90 minutes a day, depending on your level and age. That can average 1 hour a day, about 12 hours a week, compared to 21 hours for Chua’s children.
It is important to put time into practice. In the elementary through high school years, it is true that the children who practice the most hours will have the most advanced technique and will get the first chairs. But when they get out into the real world and start auditioning for conservatories, high-end orchestras, and competitions, the winners will be the musicians who are not only technically proficient, but also capable of performing a piece of music in a way that is unique to them. , with a high level of musicianship that can only come from varied life experiences, including non-musical experiences like play dates, sleepovers, and friendships.
Jenna is getting quality time, instead of just “doing time.” A significant percentage of her 21 hours, and our most typical students’ 12 hours, she spends in groups with her peers. It is in group play that students develop their musicality and other critical skills such as listening, conducting, and rhythm. It is also in group play that the child develops a sense of belonging that pushes him up into the music. They join a wonderful club with friends, fun, snacks, trips to theme park music festivals, medals, pins, trophies, and most of all, travel! Membership inspires them to practice, which reduces parental frustration.
Which brings up another reason why the ‘tiger’ approach backfires. Being a professional musician is a social career. Being successful is about making connections and friends. If there is a good job, and there are two players to choose from, it is the one who gets along with everyone who will get the job.
Chua shows up to isolate her daughters. She describes as ‘Chinese’ her insistence that her son should be number one in almost any situation, school and music. My Perspective: In music, as in life, aspiring to be number one is a lost proposition. There will always be someone who plays better. Children must learn to cooperate to be successful.
ERRORS ARE A QUESTION OF RIO
After ten years of running a music school, we have learned that some parents must be separated from the student during classes. I’ll teach a child how important it is to relax the upper body, and then the parent will step in, or even push the child: “And don’t forget to push your arm in!” – which practically returns us to the starting point with the tension of the child. Authoritarian parents inhibit the progress of students.
Chua demands perfection from his daughters. I tell my students (and their parents) that it’s okay to make mistakes. Something I say a lot in class and orchestra is: “I’m so happy you played badly, now we can all learn!” My own children have made many mistakes, big ones. Like that time Ariana forgot to draw her bow before a fancy recital! On another occasion, she left the mute on her violin during the entire performance! I bet she’ll never do that again. We laughed then, and we still laugh about it.
When my own children fail, when they don’t get the top chair, I don’t take it personally. I know they will do better next time. They don’t need me to rub it in.
After years of dealing with hundreds of parents, it’s pretty clear to me that those who behave like Chua have tied their self-esteem too closely to their children’s performance.
STAY WITH IT
Besides being ambitious, there is another area where Chua and I are similar: we are both stubborn. If she is a tiger mother, you can call me a lion mother. I agree with Chua’s attitude that if someone wants her child to become a skilled musician, a parent must be very determined, stand firm, get through the hard parts, and never give up. But parents must also learn to separate from the child and grow their own lives emotionally and spiritually. and parents do No You have to take away a child’s precious childhood.
