Many people are faced with the idea of ​​a trial marital separation. Many of them do not want separation or are very reluctant to do so. Unfortunately, however, your reluctance runs into a spouse who is confident that the separation could benefit or help your marriage. It is understandable that many spouses are reluctant to believe this and worry that their spouse has an ulterior motive. For example, a wife might say, “My husband has been talking about a trial separation for about four months. Last weekend, he actually looked at apartments. I’m starting to realize this is really going to happen. I’m so worried we’re going to end up divorced. But when I talk about these concerns to my husband, he acts like this is really going to help our marriage. He describes the whole thing as simply, ‘slow down to catch my breath and stop improve our marriage. ” Frankly, I think this could all be a pose. Sometimes I feel like he’s just trying to get me to accept the separation so that he can finally divorce me. Or at least so you can experiment with being single to see if you really want a divorce. I want to give him the benefit of trying to believe what he’s saying, but it’s hard. Does your argument have merit? Can Trial Separations Really Help or Improve Your Marriage? “

I think that in the right circumstances, they can sometimes help. I have definitely seen some marriages help during a trial separation, but I have seen many marriages that have been harmed by the separation (or even ended because of it). I notice trends in both groups. So below, I will go over some common denominators of couples whose marriage is actually enhanced by separation.

Help when you have a plan: Without a doubt, the marriages that I see most hurt by the trial separation are those in which the decision has been made in a hurry and at the height of emotion. This happens when there has been a big fight or things have gotten so bad that one or both people just put their hands up and walk away for a while. While this may be understandable, it can also be detrimental. Generally, these people do not have any plans. They just want a break.

The problem is that without a plan, the marriage and / or reconciliation simply fail. Both people may be waiting for the other to take the first step or take the initiative and then things get awkward. So after a while, not only are the couple not getting along, they’re having a hard time communicating, so the problems with the marriage only get worse.

If you absolutely can’t help but part ways, then make it work for you. Have a very detailed and methodical plan. Find a counselor and make appointments in advance. Do not leave anything to chance. Having to meet regularly for counseling will help avoid many of the traps that couples without a plan fall into.

Helps when both people commit to making a good faith effort: When people leave their marriage because of a separation and indicate that they are going to “see” or “measure” how they feel during it, that is always a worrying thing. In some cases, they end up missing their spouse, so things work to the advantage of their marriage. But in other cases, they just split up. In my observation, a trial separation works best when both people can say, “listen, we really want to stay married so we’re going to come together regularly with that shared goal. But right now, we’re just going to take a pause.” When you view it from this angle, you have made an agreement that you will work together to keep your family intact, if possible. When you make this commitment, it boosts the actions you take and the behaviors you adopt during your separation for a much better outcome.

It helps to agree to register regularly and work to improveFollowing up on the above, when both of you are committed to improving the marriage, the natural progression of this is to communicate regularly and honestly discuss what has and hasn’t worked. This allows you to stop whatever is deteriorating the marriage and continue with (and hopefully increase) what is actually making things better. It’s very helpful to talk openly about this because what you find helpful (and what you think is working) could be very different from your husband’s perceptions. Anything you can do to put these things on the table and be honest about it makes a successful reconciliation that much more likely.

Couples who learn from separation can have stronger marriages: When I hear from couples telling me that their marriage is better after separation, most admit that the separation made them appreciate their spouse more. When alone, they often realized how much they took their spouse for granted or how much comfort their spouse’s presence really brought them. These insights can heighten feelings of intimacy and allow a sense of “us versus the world” that can actually improve your marriage. Because you don’t want to be separated again, you are more likely to address issues the moment they arise and fight really hard to make your marriage work.

To answer the original question, with intent, separation can improve some marriages. You have a much better chance of this happening if you follow a plan, commit to regular communication and monitoring, and commit to going out of your way to make clear improvements. However, if you simply “wait and see” what happens and do not communicate regularly or do not make an effort to improve things, sometimes the separation will make the marriage worse and contribute to the divorce.