Hi, it’s me, Billy Blackjack. I see all these things about people selling creams and lotions and all kinds of things that are supposed to help a gentleman increase the size of his fishing rod and allow him to use that rod and fish for as long as he wants. Should guys really smear this dirt on their fishing rods? I do not think.

Whatever you smear on your penis will be sucked right into your penis through the skin. Now tell me, do you really want all kinds of weird chemicals hanging around in your rig? You have no idea what kind of side effects these things can have. The last place you want to use as a chemical waste dump is what’s in your underpants! Don’t make a hazmat site with your private parts! Seriously guys, this is where you make your sperm. It’s the last place you want to put something that wasn’t meant to be there in the first place.

Well then, let’s see what we have here…

Erectile dysfunction:

Good. If you have erectile dysfunction and the doctor says it’s not due to a plumbing problem, if you want to get a boner, here’s what to do: Take some jalapeno peppers, chop them up, and rub them on your penis. This will make you erect. I guarantee it. But after you’re done healing and finally out of the hospital, you’ll also come looking for me with your shotgun for giving you this silly advice. So, don’t do this with the peppers! I’m just making a point. What is this point?

The point is, people will tell you to smear this kind of goo and that kind of goop on your penis because it’s “natural” and it will help you. Okay, just so you know, jalapeno peppers are natural too. Listen. Just because something is “natural” doesn’t mean it’s safe or good for you. Radon gas is also “natural.” That doesn’t mean you should smell these things in your basement.

If there are no plumbing issues with your erection problems, they could be psychological in origin. Hey, that’s not a problem, no one is perfect; so if this is the case, don’t be too hard on yourself. Get help from a head doctor. There are also exercises that men can do that will help with this little problem. The point is, again (I like to make points), don’t be too hard on yourself! Stop punishing yourself. If you get excited about these things and let them get to you, it will only make things worse. Don’t worry. This is a small thing, really. Life has much bigger obstacles to put in your way.

Premature ejaculation:

Good. What about premature ejaculation? Should you smear chemicals on your hot dog and spray it everywhere? Probably not. Why not? Because most premature ejaculation goes away once your hormones even out a bit and you get used to being with women. Here’s the truth:

Every man has had premature ejaculation at one time or another. So, I welcome you as our newest member to the biggest men’s club in the world. It’s not a big deal unless it gets totally out of hand. You should be happy that women turn you on so much. I’m serious. That’s not a bad trait for a man. Now you ask, “What can I do about it?”

You can “double bag” for one thing. This means that you put on two condoms instead of one. This here will decrease the amount of sensation your penis has during intercourse. This should help you last longer.

As for spraying things to cushion your penis, just so you don’t feel a thing… Come on guys, is this real? I tell you, if you are so excited for your friend that you can’t contain yourself, it will have a great effect on her. Number one, she will be very flattered that she had such an incredible sexual effect on you! That’s the truth! Number two, be glad you’re like this now! Men in their later years would kill to be like that again. And number three, it’s a great way to tell if your partner really cares about you. That’s how it is. If she’s by your side and she sticks with you during these sexually confusing times, that means she’s a true 24-karat sweetheart! Women like that are hard to find. If she leaves you because of this problem, then you’ll be better off without her. Trust me on that.

If this sort of thing continues, then things can get frustrating and the novelty will start to wear off for her (see Number One, above). So what are you going to do if condoms don’t work? Educate yourself and find a way to fix this problem. One way to do this is to practice what are called “holding” techniques. You can do this while masturbating. Just get turned on and sexually aroused and then what does he do? You “hold back” from ejaculating. Makes sense…?

Here, let me try to explain it better:

What you want to do is get right to the point where you are going to orgasm and stop ALL stimulation to your penis! Try to focus your mind on algebra class or something as unattractive and boring as possible. Remember, most of us couldn’t ride a bike the first few times or drive a “stock” transmission on our first try. But, with a little practice, we’re ready for the Tour de France and ready to win the Indy 500!

Good. So, “On your marks, get ready and GO!” A little practice will go a long way. You can also practice with your friend. Explain to him what you are trying to achieve and together you can make things as good as rain. This will bring the two of you closer. Do you understand friend? Make the most of all that God offers you in life. Turn that water into wine.

Penis Enlargement:

Do I have to get into this? Smearing mud on your penis will not make it bigger. Maybe I’m wrong and there is some magic cream that has changed the way men can really enlarge their penises. I’m telling you, I must have been asleep at the wheel for the last ten years and walked into a ditch to have missed out on these new miracle enlargement creams.

If you want to enlarge your penis you have to exercise! Like if you want muscular biceps and pecs so you can rip phone books in half, you have to do what? You have to work on it. This is just basic common sense. Do exercise!

In summary:

There you go. I hope this helps you good guys out there. Again, don’t worry about this. You can take anything that seems to be a detriment in your life and turn it into a wonderful opportunity and experience. Start looking at things from a different perspective, and start realizing how setbacks like this can really be of great benefit to you—how they can and will improve your life, if you let them.

Real men overcome their obstacles and grow, learn, and improve themselves from such experiences.

You do the same.

–Billy Blackjack Carson