For eleven years I begged my stubborn elderly father to allow a caregiver to help him with my ailing mother, but after 55 years of loving her, he adamantly insisted on caring for her himself. All the agencies and caregivers I hired to help him sighed in exasperation, “Jacqueline, we just can’t work with your father; his temper is impossible to handle. I don’t think you can get him to accept help.” until he himself is on his knees.”
My dad had always been ninety percent cool, but boy, boy, was that raging temper crazy. He had never turned his temper on me before, but then again, he had never gone against his wishes either. When my mother nearly died from an infection caused by her inability to care for her, I immediately flew home to try and save her life, unaware that I would nearly cost myself in the process.
ARE THERE SIGNS OF DEMENTIA?
I spent three months nursing my 82-pound mother back to relative health, while my father said he loved me one minute, but then flew into a rage over something trivial, insulting me, and kicking me out of the house the next. I was stunned to see him so upset, even starting the washing machine could make him nervous, and there was no way to reason with him. It was so heartbreaking that my once adoring father turned on me.
The doctor evaluated my father, but I was flabbergasted that he could act so normal when he needed to! I couldn’t believe it when the doctor looked at me like I was the crazy one. He didn’t even take me seriously when I reported that my dad had almost electrocuted my mom, but luckily I got there three seconds before he plugged a huge soaking power strip into a tub of water, along with my mom’s feet! Much later, I was furious to find out that my father had told his doctor (and everyone) not to listen to anything I said because I was just a (beep, beep) liar and all I wanted was his money! (I wish I had some.)
Then things got serious. My father never laid a hand on me in my entire life, but one day he almost strangled me to death for adding HBO to his TV, even though he had enthusiastically consented to it a few days before. Terrified, I called 911 and the police took him to a hospital for evaluation. I was very surprised when they released him saying they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. What is even more surprising is that similar incidents occurred three more times.
CARE GIVING CATCH 22
He was trapped. I couldn’t fly home and leave my mother alone with my father; he would surely die from her inability to care for her. I couldn’t get the health professionals to believe me: my father was always so sane in front of them. I couldn’t get meds to calm him down and even when I finally did he refused to take it, he threw it in my face or flushed it down the toilet. I couldn’t get him to accept a sitter and even when I did, no one put up with him for long. He couldn’t place my mother in a nursing home, he would get her out of it. He couldn’t put him in a home, he didn’t qualify. They both refused to live on assistance, legally he couldn’t force them. I became a prisoner in my parents’ house for almost a year trying to solve crisis after crisis, crying rivers daily and raging at an unsympathetic medical system that wasn’t helping me adequately.
SPECIALIST IN GERIATRIC DEMENTIA MAKES A CORRECT DIAGNOSIS
You don’t need a PhD to know something is wrong, but you do need the right doctor who can properly diagnose and treat dementia. Eventually, I stumbled upon a neurologist who specialized in dementia, and under the threat of being placed in a nursing home, my father finally agreed to go. The doctor performed a battery of blood, neurological, memory, and CT/PET scan tests. He reviewed my parents’ medications and ruled out reversible dementias like vitamin B12 or thyroid deficiency. And then, you should have seen my face drop when he diagnosed stage one Alzheimer’s disease in my parents, something all the other doctors completely missed.
STUCK IN AN OLD HABITS
What I had been dealing with was the onset of Alzheimer’s disease (just a type of dementia), which starts off and on and seems to come and go. I didn’t understand that my father was addicted and caught up in his own lifelong bad behavior and his habit of yelling to get his way getting away with things that were illogical…sometimes. He also didn’t understand that insane doesn’t mean dumb (a concept that isn’t really appreciated) and that he was still socially adjusted to never show “Hyde” to anyone outside of the family. Even with the onset of dementia, it was amazing that he could still be so manipulative and cunning. On the other hand, my mother was sweet and charming as she always had been.
BALANCING BRAIN CHEMISTRY
I learned that Alzheimer’s disease makes up 60-65% of all dementias and that there is no stopping the progression and no cure. However, if identified early, there are medications that in most people can mask/slow down the symptoms of the disease, keeping a person in the early stage of independence for longer, delaying full-time supervision and care in a nursing home. (Ask a dementia specialist about: Aricept, Exelon, Razadyne, and Namenda.)
After the neurologist treated dementia and depression (often accompanied by dementia) in both parents, he prescribed a small dose of anti-aggression medication for my father that helped control his temper without making him sleep all day. (I wish we’d had that fifty years ago.) It wasn’t easy to get the doses right and not perfect, but at least we didn’t have any more police intervention! Once my parents’ brain chemistry was better balanced, I was able to optimize nutrition, fluid intake, and all of their medications with much less resistance.
CREATIVE BEHAVIORAL TECHNIQUES
Also, I was finally able to implement techniques to deal with the strange behavior. Instead of logic and reason, I used distraction, redirection, and reminiscence. Rather than discuss the facts, I accepted, validated the frustrated feelings, and lived in their realities. I learned to just “go with the flow” and let nasty comments come up. And if none of that worked, a piece of ice cream did the trick for my dad to shower, even as he swore a blue streak he just had one yesterday (over a week ago)!
Then finally I was able to get my dad to accept a caregiver (he’d only alienated 40 that year, most were there for about ten minutes), and with the Adult Day Care benefit five days a week for them and a group support. for me, everything started to fall into place. It was so wonderful to hear my father say once again, “We love you so much, honey.”
ALZHEIMER/DEMENTIA IS OFTEN OVERLOOKED
What is so shocking is that no one discussed the possibility of dementia with me that first year. I was told that my parents’ “senior times” and strange behaviors were just old age and a “normal part of aging.” Given that one in eight at age 65, and almost half at age 85, have Alzheimer’s, you should have alerted me. If they had just shown me the “Ten Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s Disease,” I would have realized what was going on and given my parents the help they desperately needed. If any of this rings true for you or someone you love, I urge you to seek out a dementia specialist – immediately!
If I had simply been shown the “Ten Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s Disease,” I would have realized a year earlier what was happening to my parents and known how to get them to the right doctors to get much-needed help. . If this rings true for you or someone you love, I urge you to get help from a dementia specialist right away.
TEN WARNING SIGNS OF ALZHEIMER’S
(Reprinted with permission from the Alzheimer’s Association)
1. Memory loss
2. Difficulty performing familiar tasks
3. Language problems
4. Disorientation of time and place
5. Poor or diminished judgment
6. Problems with abstract thinking
7. Misplace things
8. Changes in mood or behavior
9. Personality changes
10. Loss of initiative
