Keeping your beard clean 101

Loving your beard means keeping it clean. One of the biggest struggles for newly bearded men involves eating foods that we normally wouldn’t worry about when we’re clean shaven. Here are five ways to help your beard stay clean and fresh even when you’re eating the dirtiest of foods!

1. Prepare and trim

Keep your mustache neatly trimmed around your mouth, but if you prefer to let your mustache grow, use a good firm mustache wax to bind your mustaches together and shape your facial hairs so they don’t dangle in the way of your delicious treat. You can trim yourself with a good pair of barber scissors every day, or you can visit your barber once a week for a touch up. The bigger the beard, the more care it will need.

2. Keep it covered

Try a bib! Get a good scarf or bandana (preferably of a waterproof fabric or treatment) and tie it around your chin when you really need to keep your beard clean. It might sound like fun, but if you’re eating before an important meeting or job interview, it’s worth keeping that beard free of gross food bits. There are beard protectors out there, or you can make your own out of vinyl or plastic and decorate it however you like. Or you could just use some cellophane in a pinch. However you cut it, there will be some days when you need to work really hard to keep your beard as clean as possible: weddings, interviews, big gatherings, dates, functions, etc. And always remember to go to the bathroom after meals just to check and make sure you’re ready to go.

3. Tie and tuck

You reach across the table to grab the salt and the tip of your beard dips into your friend’s food or drink. No big party, guys! When your beard gets longer, be sure to tie it back when you’re about to sit down to eat. You can clip it to your shirt or jacket once it’s tied, or just tuck it into your collar if you can. There is probably no worse beard than dipping it in someone’s dinner! You could braid your beard, making it easy to throw it over your shoulder when needed. Clips and clamps work wonders when you’re on the go and like to keep your beard free and fluffy. An elastic headband might work well in a pinch to keep the beard close to your neck and away from your food.

4. Invent and adapt

Change your eating techniques. In general, downsize your dicks, invest in a few tools to make your life easier, and take your time! Here are some techniques by type of food.

Burgers, pizza, crumbly sandwiches, wings, and other snacks – just commit to using a knife and fork, and eat in very small bites. You might be able to get away with folding dry slices of cheese pizza, but for any slice with a lot of toppings or oil, a fork and knife are the way to go. It can be sad to destroy a perfectly good burger, but if you’re looking to avoid looking like a mess, there’s really no other option. It’s going to be really hard to keep the wings from covering your entire beard if you eat them with your hands, so work up some surgical skills to get those little morsels down your throat cleanly.

Coffee, Tea, Hot Chocolate: Carry a nice and sturdy Pyrex, ceramic or steel reusable straw to sip your hot beverage, or invest in a mustache cup or mustache dam to protect your precious tresses from getting soaked in your coffee like a donut Portable coffee mugs often have spouts, which would be perfect to have on hand for your morning commute.

Ice Cream, Pudding, Applesauce – Carry or use a long spoon with a smaller spoon size and enjoy that ice cream without leaving a sticky beard. Patience is key! Savor every little bite and make sure you don’t get really gummy caramel or sauce in your beard, because those are beasts to try and clean up after the fact.

Noodles: These flexible, sauce-spewing pups are tough to handle with a big old beard, but not impossible! Use the Italian fork and spoon method. Curl your forkful of noodles by placing the tines on a spoon, making sure the bottom of the spoon isn’t covered in sauce. Bring both to your mouth and slide your cock inside. Clever! With small enough bites, there should be no falls or drips to mess up your beard. A second option would be to cut the noodles into bite size and eat them with a spoon. Better yet, substitute noodle shapes that are already cut small and don’t move around too much. That way, sauce or broth is guaranteed not to splash all over your precious chin.

5. Oil and wash your beard regularly

Beard oil isn’t just for making your beard smell good and feel soft! Keeping your beard oiled means that stubborn food particles won’t stick as much, and any food particles that do get stuck will be covered in the aroma of, say, the finest Cuban cigars or pristine alpine wilderness. In addition, the habit of oiling (or using balm and wax) will keep you aware of the state of your beard throughout the day, so you will find more frequent small invaders such as crumbs or sticky points. A clean beard is a happy beard!

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