Sometimes I hear from people who deeply regret a past adventure. Often, as time goes by, the depth of your mistake becomes clearer and clearer. This, coupled with the fact that they now face the consequences of their actions, can make them feel the weight of their mistake.
I heard a wife say, “I would give everything I have if I could go back in time and make me never have an affair. I have ruined my life with a mistake. My husband found out and left me. He doesn’t take my calls. Children ask me every day where their father is. Now I realize how much I risk for a short-term distraction. I am starting to worry that I have destroyed my marriage and that I will never get my husband back. I know how much my husband loves our children And I wouldn’t be surprised if I were to fight for custody. Anyway, I don’t want to be alone. And I don’t want to. I want to be a single mother raising my kids alone. I wish there was something I could do to deny all the damage I’ve done. Because right now, I feel desperate. “
I felt compassion for this wife even though in my own situation I was the faithful wife. His true pain was obvious and it is very common to feel overwhelmed by this result when there is nothing you can do to change it. Unfortunately, there is no way to completely erase the matter. It happened and you can’t take it back. So now you have to look to the present and the future instead of the past. I will discuss some tips on how to do it below.
Your only focus should be on the future of your life: I know it’s very easy to keep looking back regretfully, especially if you’re feeling stuck right now. But honestly, it doesn’t do you any good. It only prevents you from progressing. Since you cannot change the matter and your memory is of no use to you, it is time to turn your attention to today and now. It is true that this wife was in a kind of withholding pattern when it came to her marriage because she did not know what her husband would ultimately decide to do. But, there was a lot she could do to get up while she was still. Just waiting for his decision while consumed with regret was not helping his cause. It was important to try to be as positive as possible for the sake of her children and for the sake of herself.
Don’t let your anger at yourself keep you from doing what’s in your best interest: It is not uncommon for me to see people who are so angry with themselves about the affair that they are willing to accept whatever punishment and negative things come their way. They feel unworthy of something positive and do not feel worthy of understanding or forgiveness, so they are not proactive in improving their situation. What he didn’t want was for this wife to stay home surrounded by her pain and grief. Yes, he made a mistake with far-reaching consequences. But nothing good would come of it if he became so discouraged that he did not try to improve his circumstances.
Every day, try to do something to help rectify this situation. Pledge to be the best parent, the best person, and the best spouse that you can be. If you need advice or self-help to determine why you may have acted this way, get it. Because until you deal with anything that may have contributed to this, then you can’t be one percent sure that you won’t be vulnerable to this again. And to give your marriage the best chance, you will need to be as healthy and strong as possible. Be very proactive to be as emotionally healthy as possible.
The best way to negate the effects of the adventure is to rebuild and heal: It is true that you cannot change reality. There is no way to erase the matter from your own memory or from your husband’s memory. But what you can do is do everything in your power to ensure that a complete healing occurs. You can do everything in your power to rebuild a healthy family. Because limping and dwelling on your mistake weakens you and makes you less effective as a parent, person, and spouse. And you and your family no less than all you have to give.
I realize that sometimes not all aspects of the future can be controlled. Sometimes your spouse will have some reservations about resuming your marriage. And you can’t always control this. But what you can do is heal yourself as much as possible, show your spouse your sincerity by doing this right again, and be kind and gentle to yourself. We all make mistakes. Yes, this is a big one. But the biggest mistake would be to allow this to ruin your life. You have a lot to live for. And the best thing you can do is grow and learn from this and make the necessary changes so that this does not happen again.
The remorse this wife felt indicated that she was a good person willing to acknowledge and learn from her mistake. So nothing good would come of her punishing herself more.