In Kennywood Park, just outside of Pittsburgh, there is an old wooden roller coaster that is famous among fans all over the world. Instead of beginning the ride with a climb up a popping, popping incline, the Thunderbolt plummets 95 feet into a natural gorge. If you don’t know what to expect, you’ll never catch your breath for the entire trip. After the first crash, the brief respite during the next climb is completely undermined by the anticipation of the next drop. I’m almost sure whoever coined the phrase emotional roller coaster I had Thunderbolt in mind.
The element of surprise feeds a great deal of power into our emotional response to any event. Once on the move, we are like Thunderbolt riders who find it hard to compose themselves. Our minds race and our bodies automatically begin to produce and react to natural chemicals that make it difficult to think clearly. It takes time and emotional distance before we can benefit from hindsight and realize that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.
I learned this lesson from a girl named Iris. At the beginning of my career, she lived with a young family in New York. One warm summer afternoon, while we were taking a walk, Iris fell into a fit of frenzied hysteria. Between heartbreaking sobs, she explained that she had lost her ring.
When Iris realized the ring was missing, it was on the emotional version of the Thunderbolt. All the natural reactions to stress, fear, loss, and grief came into play. It took considerable intervention for her to pull her out of that ride. Her father picked her up and hugged her tight. Her mother stroked his head and murmured comforting words. There were promises of a new ring, candy and ice cream, and trips to the park.
For adults, the value of that ring was negligible. On a practical level, it was a worthless piece of plastic that had come out of a gumball machine earlier that day. For Iris, on the other hand, it meant so much more. Imagine the anticipation she must have felt when she turned the knob on the gumball machine and her excitement when that precious treasure fell into her palm. Imagine, too, how putting it on had made her feel beautiful and special.
Iris was only four years old. She couldn’t have stepped back enough to realize that the ring was just a piece of plastic, one of hundreds in that machine that she would still be there tomorrow. She could never understand that the loss of that ring was truly insignificant compared to some of the others she would experience later in life. Now that she’s a grown woman with children of her own, I doubt she even remembers the fateful day that terrible tragedy occurred.
Oh that we could learn this once in a lifetime lesson! This story is not just a cute tale of a sweet little girl in an apron-like dress with ribbons in her hair. It illustrates an essential truth. Nothing is bad as it seems. Real tragedies happen daily and people survive them, sometimes miraculously unscathed. We marvel at stories of survival and success after devastating events like hurricanes, earthquakes, and tornadoes. How much longer are we likely to survive a missed deadline at work, an argument with a family member, or a scratch on our new car?
It all comes down to perspective. For adults; perspective is a matter of choice. Upsetting events are an inevitable part of life. Yet we are often as easily traumatized as a four-year-old by losing a gumball machine ring.
Our reactions under those circumstances can be devastating. People have quit jobs, ended friendships, broken contracts, separated from their spouses, and even committed acts of violence due to emotional attacks that they later regretted. The consequences of these actions are often much more far-reaching than the event itself. Most injuries sustained in an earthquake, for example, are not due to things falling on people, but are the result of panic as people try to flee perceived danger.
However, when we recognize emotion simply as a reaction to an event or circumstance, we immediately put some distance between our reaction and the event itself. That distance, whether expressed in time or space, allows us to more easily benefit from the hindsight perspective.
Thomas Jefferson said: “When you are angry, count to ten before you speak. If you are very angry, count to a hundred.” The manager works whether he is experiencing anger, frustration, fear, shame, or grievance. If we distance ourselves from the moment and our immediate reaction, we may realize that things are not as bad as they seem and we may be able to react in a more appropriate way.
Here are some suggestions for gaining some emotional distance when adversity strikes:
Count to ten. Take Jefferson’s advice to heart. When you count to ten, you are doing two things at once. You give yourself a moment before reacting and focus your attention on something trivial and inconsequential. In context, your situation may also seem less complicated.
Remind yourself that everything is going to be okay. These are the words we use to comfort others, why not comfort ourselves with them? Things may not be the same, but they will be fine.
Do not allow yourself to relive the event in your mind. Reflecting on an event only feeds and develops the emotion of it and reacting from emotion is the real danger.
Go to the restaurant. You may not be able to ignore an event, but most of the time an immediate reaction is not necessary. Just walking into another room can be enough to trigger a change in perspective.
Distract yourself for a while. If you need more than a few minutes to collect yourself and put things in perspective, pick up a book or magazine. Play a game on the computer. Brush your teeth. Take out the trash. Clean your office. Pray or meditate. Go to the gym. Take a walk in the park. The situation may still be there later, but you’ll be more psyched up to deal with it.
Remember the positive side. There are pros and cons to everything in life. When we feel down about something, we focus on the cons. Try to think of the professionals. When you hate your job, think about the reasons why you like it. When you are angry with someone, remind yourself of their good qualities. When you feel wrong, remember the good times.
Look for the humor in the situation. Many a comedian’s career depends on pointing out how foolish we are when we take ourselves and the lives we lead too seriously.
The amazing thing about that roller coaster in Pittsburgh is that once you know what to expect, it’s a very exciting ride. People come from all over the world to experience it. Since we know life is full of ups and downs, wouldn’t we be better off just enjoying the ride?
