If you are a wife struggling to find your way after her husband cheated on her, I feel like you and I are soul mates. I’m pretty sure I understand something about how you feel, and I’d be pretty comfortable guessing that one of your greatest wishes right now is to feel something normal in your everyday life and in your marriage.

You want to look at your husband and feel confident in his feelings for you and his commitment to you. But this can be very difficult if you don’t act the way you used to. I can tell you with full confidence that in the weeks and even in the months after a husband’s affair, wives observe our husbands very closely. We analyze everything he says, everything he does, and even those things that he does not do or does not say.

So when we notice a change in their display of affection towards us, we become concerned. And we desperately want to know if this is normal and what it could all mean. A wife may be concerned about her husband’s level of affection. She might say, “My husband has finished his affair. I know for sure and I have no doubt about it. He is doing almost everything I ask of him. But the affection is just not there. He always used to caress my face, rub my hair and hold me. This was not planned or asked. He only did it because he seemed to want to express his feelings for me and I always loved that about our marriage. We were always very demonstrative of our affection – always moving I always felt that by doing this, we stayed close and gave our children a good example of how to share feelings for those you love.

Unfortunately, my husband never does these things again. There are no more caresses. And if there is, I am the one who does it. Often times, I reach out and hold my husband’s hand in the hope that he will follow my example and show more affection. He does not. I have mentioned this to you. I have told him that his lack of affection towards me makes me think that he is not attracted to me or that he does not want to be around me. He says that none of these things is true. He says he is often reluctant to show me affection because he fears rejection. But I think there is more to it than this. I think it says something about their attraction and commitment. Is what I see normal? “

In my experience, it is. And honestly, what your husband has told you, that you fear rejection, is also extremely common and can be one hundred percent valid. From what I have experienced and seen in other marriages, in the weeks and months after the affair, the spouses can almost be circling each other, fearful to act, watching, and waiting for the other person to take the lead. This can be especially true of the cheating spouse. My husband and I surround each other like vultures, frankly.

The doubts your husband might have: The husband expresses the following when they write to me. A husband may say that he often doesn’t know how you really feel about him and how receptive you really are. If he tries to initiate affection, are you going to get mad? Defensive? Are you going to think he’s genuine or are you just trying to get back in your favor? Are you going to turn him down to make things incredibly awkward between you? Or are you going to reject him to get back at him?

One very common thing that happens to both people is that they wonder (and worry) about what the other person is feeling. They assume there is anger. They worry about the possibility that there is no love. And they worry that they are the only one having these disturbing thoughts.

Honestly, your spouse often has the exact same concerns as you. Neither of you wants to feel that you are the only one who cares and that you are the only one who feels affection. It’s understandable that you hold back. Most of the time, both people expect the other to be the initiator. And when this does not happen, people may assume that their spouse does not feel love or affection when this is not true.

What happens next? Well, you can be patient and you can promise yourself that you are not just going to assume things. You can continue to show your spouse affection, and you can be receptive when he shows you affection, so that over time he feels more secure doing so.

And you can try to accept the fact that there will surely be some discomfort in this process. Until the time has passed and the work has been done, neither person will know where they stand, both people are afraid, and both people can suppress their feelings and affection until they feel a little more confident to do so.

This sense of security often comes over time and occurs more frequently as you progress through your healing. Often times, it doesn’t make much sense to put more pressure on your spouse about it, as this can make the discomfort worse and mean that you receive less affection rather than more.